For several years, I have suffered from depression and anxiety. Sometimes I would feel hopeless and in utter despair, but most of the time I would just feel nothing. Totally apathetic to everything, just moving from day to day because that's what other people expected me to do.
It's weird, because awesome things would happen, and I could recognize that "hey, this is a happy situation," but I could not actually feel
happy about it. Getting my dogs, getting a job a really wanted, even getting engaged to the love of my life, nothing could make me feel
happy, even though I knew they were awesome things and I could sense a sort of analytic "happiness" that these were good things that I wanted to happen.
I tried half a dozen medications and have been in therapy for more than a year, but nothing seemed to change anything. All the medicines I tried gave me horrible side effects and made me feel even more emotionally numb than before.
But then, this past month, I've finally found a medication that really actually works
for me, and it's amazing. All of a sudden, I was excited to get out of bed, and I felt full of energy. I wanted to do things for fun, and found enjoyment in doing my hobbies again for the first time in years. I came to the realization that I actually felt happy. Not just an apathetic acknowledgement that I'm in a good situation, but a legitimate emotional reaction. It was bizarre because I really forgot what being happy felt like, so for a moment I couldn't even comprehend what this weird feeling was. But there it was.
So now I'm happy. It's strange and awesome at the same time, and makes me realize just how dead I've felt for years. It also helps lift the burden of guilt I've felt for feeling totally out of control and out of touch with my emotions, as my disorder broke me down physically and mentally and prevented me from doing what I wanted in life.
This is good. There is hope, y'all!